Monday, February 2, 2009

the ego speaks up

I was strangely angry this weekend. Off and on I kept feeling this irritation build up, even after doing Chris's yoga class Saturday morning. Usually after a power yoga class I am completely mellow, but I was crabby as hell.

The mental and emotional aspect of doing this project is challenging to me. Truthfully, I am tired already of writing down every bloody mouthful of food I eat, counting every calorie in every single green bean or shred of carrot, measuring every teaspoon of oil and obsessing over the extra dash of salsa I put on my scrambled egg. Did I count it? Did I put it in the diary? Do I have a thousand more fun things to do instead of tracking my food intake, like alphabetizing my canned goods or maybe counting how many freckles I have and categorizing them by color, size, and location?

This isn't the first time I've obsessed over calories and number of workouts. It's just another in a long list of experiences I have put myself through over the past 30 years trying to get, or keep, my weight down and my body in shape. Yes, I signed up for this of my own free will and was not in any way coerced. I intend to follow the Project until the bitter end, and hope to have incorporated enough of the habits to make a lasting healthy change in my life, but.....

The truth is aging sucks. Being a woman and aging sucks. Living in a society that values women mostly for their looks - that really sucks. The relentless pursuit of eternal youth is exhausting. I waver between wanting to be in the best possible shape I can be, and wanting to accept and love myself exactly as I am and stop torturing myself over weight and calories and "good" foods and "bad" foods and number of miles run and how fast and how much weight I lift and on and on and on, ad infinitum. Do I only get to relax when I'm dead?

I am aware that all of this is my ego talking. Right now I am pretty fed up with my ego and would be pleased if I could pull if out of my head, like an irritating hair in my ear, and put it away where it won't bother me. The meditation helps, but it doesn't erase the irritating voice of my ego as I enviously watch my skinny co-worker eat a cheeseburger.

It's just so hard to be good.

4 comments:

  1. As someone who recently turned 50, I feel you. But, who made these rules anyway? We don't have to accept them (easier said than done I know.)

    Age is so arbitrary.I know many kickass women 50+. I'm pretty sure most of them are happier & more confident than they ever were at 25.

    Acceptance, healthy living & beauty on the inside truly does shine through. It's better than botox. Namaste.

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  2. Terri, sending you lots of love and strength this week...for you, for all of us, I pulled out my favorite poem by Derek Walcott and posted it on my blog. For me, the poem has always gone straight to my heart - about loving yourself, where ever you are at, whatever you are feeling.

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  3. Terri:
    Thanks for your honesty - it is so true.
    Know that you are not alone, and I am rooting for you and me and everyone else!

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  4. Terri, bravo to honesty! This past week seemed a bit more trying to get everything in. Just know there are lots of other people feeling the same way you do and you spoke for all of us at one time or the other.
    And as for your skinny co-worker? One day she will only have to look at that cheeseburger and she will gain 5 pounds!

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